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September 2010 -------
Welcome to the Birth Order newsletter September 2010 Birth Orders Controlling Others All of us are controlled as we grow up, controlled by parents, older siblings, members of the family, our school teachers and even playmates. Control becomes an issue that gets expressed according to our Birth Order. Our programming makes us try to control others. Onlies try to control what others do. They do it by giving advice, telling others what to do and by reacting emotionally to what others do. This form of control is rooted in having an early childhood imaginary companion who, of course, was controlled by the Only. This companion did exactly as directed by the Only Child. The controlling Only expects others to do what they?re told and that can work well in management or teaching school. First Borns try to control others by getting them to agree. To do this, First Borns explain things while nodding their heads to signal agreement. This form of control comes from the First Born being held accountable for the behavior of younger siblings, parents demanding an explanation of how something happened. The First Born had to explain and explaining became a way of life even when explaining is unnecessary. The original explaining was to get parents to agree to the First Born version of things. First Borns look for the explanation of things making them research thinkers. Second Borns try to control others? thinking. To do this they feed others selected facts to make others think a certain way. This comes from discovering in childhood the power of giving parents facts to demolish the First Born?s explanations that made the Second Born look bad. The Second Born did not try to out-explain the First Born, just use a fact or two. The ?facts? didn?t have to true. Also, the Second Born did not give other facts that would make the Second Born look bad. This programming makes the Second Born into a rational thinker. Third Borns try to control others by persuading them to change their strategies. To do this they try to scare others or they try to entice others to adopt a particular strategy. They learned to do this coping with the Second Born who was using facts to control. Not being able to counter the Second Born control with explanations or with facts, they tried to persuade the Second Born to change strategies. As adults, Third Borns can be quite persuasive, enabling them often to be the best of sales people. Fourth Borns try to control others to keep them from doing what they want. To do this they can intimidate or manipulate, intimidate through anger and manipulate by playing victim. They learned to do this coping with the Third Born who did not share facts with them while trying to make them adopt strategies that often turned out badly for the Fourth Born. The Fourth Born could only counter the Third Born strategies by getting angry or by withdrawing into a passive victim role. Fourth Borns using anger and manipulation have difficulty relating to others so they tend to isolate socially. However, since the Third Born did not give facts the Fourth Born learned to look for clues that often give insight into what is going on in a situation. Fortunately, most people overcome their tendencies to control others in adult life. This happens when experiencing others who refuse to be controlled. The more freedom we grant to others the better relationships we have. The feedback we give to others encourages them to give up their controlling ways.
Rev. Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD
BLOG The following books by Cliff are available by mail. Please add $5.00 for shipping and handling.
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95
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