|
OCTOBER 2004 -------
Fright Night lets us have fun with fear without pain. Fear can be enjoyed - that's why we scare ourselves with horror movies, thrill rides and scary challenges. However, fear can be unpleasant, hazardous to our health and limiting. Especially unpleasant are the fears that come from within with little or no relationship to reality. These fears are often related to Birth Order. Worry is the Only Child experience of fear although others can experience worry also. Worriers have memories that make them scare themselves about what might happen. These memories may come from the fearful parental message, "Think about what could have happened when you did that!" The child "catches" the parent's fear that becomes associated with what could happen. The special worry of the Only Child connects with intrusion because, as a child, the Only feared the interruption that ended play. This fear internalized causes the adult Only to worry about things that could disrupt his or her life as well as possible hazards that lie ahead. Fear of losing love belongs to the First Born in a special way. All the Birth Orders have some fear of losing love but special fear was created for the First Born when the new baby "usurped" his or her place in mother's affections. Fearing the loss of love, the First Born becomes "nice", avoids offending others by keeping thoughts to him or herself, and satisfies others before self. Fear keeps the First Born walking as if on eggshells around people except at home where the fear subsides. Appearing inadequate scares the Second Born. Others may fear being unable to do things but the Second Born fears being unable to do things perfectly. The fear is driven by memories of being "put to shame" by the First Born's performance, of attention being given to the First Born, and of being unable to compete with the First Born. This fear drives perfectionism, attention to detail and competitiveness. Subconsciously, the Second Born fears the loss of love for being unable to do something well enough. The Third Born fears fear itself. As a child the Third Born dealt with the teasing of the Second Born by appealing to mother. Coming to realize that mother was irritated the Third Born chose to stop complaining. In order to keep from complaining the Third Born had to shut down the fears that drove complaints. Thus the Third Born came to be afraid of fear itself because that would result in the loss of mother's love. As an adult the Third Born may suffer from fear, anxiety and even panic attacks. At other times the Third Born must prove self to be fearless, especially to self. Fourth Born fear arises from rejection. Rejection was primarily from older siblings who reminded the Fourth Born that he or she was too young to play with them. Sometimes a sensitive parent could alleviate the feeling of rejection by special attention. More commonly, however, the parent is harried, pressured by the older siblings for attention and is unable to give enough time to the Fourth Born. In order to live with the fear of rejection the Fourth Born either accepts it by becoming passive or overcomes the fear with anger. There are many exceptions to these scenarios. A happy home life, the influence of mentoring adults, knowledge gained though education, vocations that compel changes and counseling all can alleviate the effects of Birth Order fears. This newsletter can help because knowing the subconscious basis of fear lets you shift from feeling to thinking thus enabling relief. Third Born Core Issues - fourth in a series Feeling vulnerable is the core Third Born issue. It comes from early experiences of taking Second Born teasing seriously. Once the Third Born realized it was teasing he or she had to figure out how to get along emotionally despite the teasing. The Third Born chose to do that by being "strong" so that it would not get to him or her. To be strong, of course, the Third Born had to turn off fear. As an adult the Third Born may reflect this attitude by telling others, "Don't take it personally", "you have to be strong" or "don't let it bother you." The Third Born with a same sex Second Born sibling gives the appearance of being bold. The Third Born with a Second Born sibling of the opposite sex tends to be more cautious. Since the dynamic between same sex siblings is more challenging this Third Born becomes "fearless." The relationship with an opposite sex sibling is usually less challenging allowing the Third Born to be in touch with fears, thus more fearful. The more challenging the relationship the more "fearless" the Third Born. Presidential Candidates What can you expect from the presidential candidates according to their Birth Order? George W. Bush as a First Born is a leader. It is natural for people who are Second, Third and Fourth Born to follow him because as children they followed their First Born siblings. The First Born learned to lead by having younger siblings follow. Onlies and other First Borns are not natural followers of the First Born. John Kerry is an Only despite having siblings. He did not have the childhood experience of having others follow him. He did have the experience of organizing time, space and things so you can expect him to put things in order rather than getting people to follow him. Tip for Clergy: You can help people with anxiety that is driven by memories. The memories that drive fear are memories that make a person stop being afraid - memories of being told "don't be scared." These memories cause inner conflict that actually increases fear. If you suggest to a person, "Forget the memories that make you stop being afraid" you actually help relieve the fears by relieving the inner conflict. Telling the person to "Remember the memories that let you stop being afraid" allows the person to use reason to stop being afraid. Feeling reluctant to try this? Never get so interested in people's problems you forget to help them. Yours for knowing people through Birth Order,
Cliff Isaacson Website: www.birthorderplus.com The following books by Cliff are available by calling 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95 Credit Card payments are accepted. |
|
Books | Newsletter | Consultation Blog | Contact Us |