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NOVEMBER 2005 -------
Welcome to the November Birth Order newsletter! We’re ready to talk about the fourth level of relating, cooperation. In the last three newsletters we’ve talked about improving the initial non-verbal contact, the greeting and the conversation. Now we are ready to get into the more intense levels of cooperation, humor and closeness. Cooperation is based on agreeing what you will do with another person or persons. Cooperation is not possible when two people disagree. When people are having conflict they are in the fourth level of communication without being able to cooperate because they cannot agree. The obstacles to agreement are created early in childhood when agreement is forced upon a child. There are times when a parent must control a child so every child experiences enforced agreement. This enforced agreement produces an opposite and equal reaction of disagreement. In other words, when a person feels they must agree the subconscious brings up reasons for disagreeing. The disagreement is over different issues with each Birth Order. Only Children experience disagreement when they feel themselves forced to change a schedule, rearrange their space or give up things. First Borns disagree when they feel someone is forcing a contrary opinion on them. Second Borns are offended when the other person seems to be bragging. Third Borns resist being told what to do. Fourth Borns disagree with anything that seems to put them on the spot. Under these conditions conflict takes the place of cooperation in a mutual activity. The problem resides in memories created early in life by enforced agreement. This formed a conflict in memories between having to agree and being unable to agree. In adult life when relationship seems to demand agreement these memories are triggered that keep agreement from happening. To change this, we tell ourselves “Forget the memories that make you agree.” This takes out the inner conflict that forces disagreement. If relationship depended on complete agreement there would be no relationships. Of course, we have all cooperated with people with whom we did not agree totally. However, we did find some area of agreement that allowed us to do something with this person. It is this ability to find agreement that enhances the ability to cooperate. We want these positive memories to be connected so they enhance relationships so we tell ourselves, “Remember the memories that let you agree.” You will find your relationships moving from conflict to cooperation. Makes for much better relating, doesn’t it? In the next newsletter we’ll talk about humor that is essential in any relationship in order to achieve closeness. The Bones of It! Birth Order is to the personality what the skeleton is to the body. What the skeleton does for the body Birth Order does for the personality. Birth Order gives shape to personality, makes personality stable and works in the background. Have you noticed on forensic TV programs how they are able to create a face from just a skull? The bones of the skull determine the appearance of the face. Likewise, Birth Order determines the appearance of the personality. Just as you cannot see the skull, you are not be able to see Birth Order. Just as the skeleton makes the body stable so Birth Order makes the personality stable. Though psychotherapy can do wonders it cannot change the basic personality. One time a Third Born wanted to become Only Child because she was working as a radio announcer. She was having trouble as a Third Born thinking that she could do better as an Only. We tried. Even though her mother was a role model as an Only we could not make her into it. She ended up changing jobs rather than becoming an Only. Just as the skeleton is hidden within the body so is Birth Order hidden within the personality. Life experiences create behaviors, especially away from home, that hide Birth Order. However, just as you can feel the bones when you press on the body, so you can feel the Birth Order when you press on the personality. In other words, you can detect Birth Order when a person is under pressure especially in the home environment. Birth Order is developed early in life as we find answers to some basic questions. Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis (“I’m OK, You’re OK”) said that when we are born we have three questions we need to answer. They are “Who am I? Who are all these other people? What is going on here?” The answers to these questions are contained in our Birth Order personalities. BLOG Remember to check out the blog at http://birthorder.blogster.com for lots of information on Birth Order. COUNSELING
Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone. Call 1-800-214-0795 to make an appointment. For more information write
There advantages to counseling by phone. You can be yourself in your own home, you can concentrate without visual distractions and you can feel more comfortable than in a counseling office. Telephone counseling has proven to be effective.
Sincerely,
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD
You are free to forward this newsletter to interested people.
Web site: www.birthorderplus.com
The following books by Cliff are available by calling 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95
Credit Card payments are accepted.
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