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NOVEMBER 2004 -------
Power of Suggestion Power of suggestion is in the implications of what we say. Everything we say has implications that are given to it by the other person that are suggested by the non-verbal communication accompanying our words. Because of the non-verbal component the same words can have many different meanings implied. Implications according to Birth Order are as follows. Only Child - The Only sees implications in terms of being corrected. What they are told is turned into some kind of correction. The response from the Only is "You mean I'm doing it wrong?" Conflict results from defensiveness of the Only expressing the implication that you are correcting. The other person becomes more self-conscious about implying things becoming careful about what they say. First Born - the First Born hears implications of being unloved in feedback he/she receives. The First Born is listening for the thought "I don't like you" even though that is not intended. Others sense the First Born becoming uncomfortable with the feedback so learn to hold back on it. Second Born - the Second takes implications of criticism in whatever he/she is told even when it is complimentary. They are often quick to stop the communication so they do not hear any more. They do not want to hear about imperfections in what they do. They hear imperfection implied even when it is not intended. Others experiencing the anger of Second Borns tend to become careful around them. Third Born - the Third senses implications of others appealing for help in whatever they say. Expressions of pain, trouble, conflict or worry mean to the Third Born that he/she must do something to help. Others tend to stop sharing for fear that the Third Born will insist on doing something to help. They don't feel safe sharing feelings with the helpful Third Born. Fourth Born - the Fourth feels sees implications of rejection in what others say or do. Conversation about others, attention to someone else or a desire to be alone can all imply rejection to the Fourth Born. Others learn to constantly pay attention to the Fourth Born, defend the meaning of their words/actions and be careful about what they say and how they say it. This can be very difficult because almost any conversation about or with someone else can mean rejection to the Fourth Born. Most people are aware of being misinterpreted by implications made by other people. To keep from being misinterpreted people often preface what they say with statements aimed at preventing being misread. For example, they might say, "I am not criticizing you," "I'm not finding fault with you," or "I don't want you to get angry" to prevent the misreading. These denials may or may not work. A bolder approach puts into words the implication the other person makes rather than letting it be suggested. Here are some examples. Say to an Only "I'm going to correct you." Tell a First, "I'm going to give you some feedback." Announce to a Second "I am going to offer you some criticism." Signal to a Third, "I can handle this but I would like to talk about it". Promise a Fourth Born "I'll be back. I want to talk to John right now." These are ways that allow you to diminish the negative effect of the power of suggestion in your communications. When the worst happens that your communication is misinterpreted you can sometimes undo the damage by giving the person permission to make his/her implications. You can say something like "You can take it that way if you want but what I meant was this." Then you explain what you meant. With this interaction a person is more likely to accept your communication at face value. After a time or two of this a person is likely start taking things as you mean rather than reading their own meaning into your words. Fourth Born Core Issues This is the last in a series on the core issues of each Birth Order. The Core issue for Fourth Borns is being left out which is often experienced as rejection. The Fourth Born was often excluded from play by older siblings with disparaging remarks about being too young with all the disabilities that go with being too young. The Fourth Born reaction can be anything from withdrawing from people to becoming extremely pushy to be included, reactions that can be expressed in a multitude of ways. The Fourth Born tends to feel good at being included but tends also to be suspicious of being included thinking that others are just doing it because they think they have to do it instead of wanting to do it. If the memories of rejection are powerful enough they can create rage, often underlying, rage in the Fourth Born. Transition Time for Onlies At the end of a workday the Only needs time to unwind, veg out, relax, withdraw or otherwise transition from work to home. Other Birth Order personalities may not understand this need since they do not experience it. The Only child on coming home needs to organize the events of the day, package them and put them away. Having done that, they can then enter fully into life at home. Otherwise, the events of the day stay on their minds, interfering with life at home. This transition can be done while driving home, watching TV or just relaxing in an recliner with a can of pop. This time is a great stress reliever for Onlies. It can be hard to achieve in many situations, especially with children who meet the parent at the door with their needs. If it cannot be done after work then it needs to be done before bedtime. After the children are in bed the Only can take time to process the day - if the spouse cooperates! If the Only works an evening or night shift the transition time may need to take place at work. Many Onlies go to work early so they can relax, have a cup of coffee and read they paper while their subconscious processes the days events from home to put them into storage to clear the decks before starting work. Feedback We welcome observations, suggestions and questions for inclusion in the newsletter. Yours for knowing people through Birth Order,
Cliff Isaacson Website: www.birthorderplus.com The following books by Cliff are available by calling 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95 Credit Card payments are accepted.
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