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MAY 2005 -------
Birth Order personality develops during early childhood by coping with family. Dear Birth Order Plus subscriber, Today I want to share some thoughts with you about using Birth Order to analyze bizarre behavior. Some behavior seems beyond comprehension. When the bride flew the coop just before the wedding to disappear for four days it made no sense. Her explanation that she did not get "cold feet", that she did not leave her husband-to-be but that she left to get away from herself because she was scared does not compute for most of us. But, this behavior can be explained through Birth Order. This woman displayed extreme Fourth Born behavior. She was feeling fear of the wedding with 600 guests and 14 bridesmaids. Or, perhaps she was afraid of the commitment, what would be expected of her or of her own reaction to it. She was scared because it was overwhelming. However, because of her Birth Order she could not look at the situation to see how it could be less scary. She could not confide her fear in anyone who could have helped. Instead, she fought the fear that only caused it to intensify so she had to get away. She did not see her fear as fear of the wedding so she was not getting "cold feet" by leaving but simply getting away from her fear. Every Birth Order is capable of extreme behavior. It happens when feeling is separated from thinking. The fearful bride did not think about what was scary in the wedding but rather how to squelch the fear. The Fourth Born ignores feelings until they become overwhelming at which point she (or he) stops thinking to struggle with the feeling. So, the scared bride ran away without thinking about the consequences of her behavior. We process information by 1) observing something, 2) experiencing a feeling about it, 3) thinking about the situation in the light of the feeling and 4) taking some kind of action. The Fourth Born changes step 3) into thinking about the feeling rather than about the situation. Each of the Birth Orders tends to sabotage one of these steps. Emotions are one of the major components of memories along with the visual and auditory components. When memories are triggered they bring up the feelings even if the memory remains subconscious. These feelings are actually a means of drawing on past experience to understand a present situation. To feel safe, many Fourth Borns avoid situations where feelings might be triggered. These can be family gatherings, a relative in the hospital or a party. If feelings are triggered, some Fourth Borns become angry, others withdraw. Anger is a substitute emotion for other emotions that feel threatening. The Fourth Born program was developed in childhood from experiencing older siblings discounting her (or his) feelings with words like "Don't be a crybaby", merciless teasing by the Third Born or being ignored emotionally. Going on to the other Birth Orders, the Only Child sabotages the process by sticking with the feeling rather than gaining more information. As a result, in relationships the other is often frustrated at not being heard. The other experiences the Only projecting from past memories rather than listening. Extreme behavior by Onlies is less frequent than with the other Birth Orders. The Only learned to trust feelings rather than thinking very early in life. It was more effective to express emotions to stop parental influence than it was to ask parents to back off. The Only understands the concept of "thinking with your feelings". The First Born deadens feelings by examining them. This happened first when Junior was set aside so mother could care for the new baby. Junior decided he must have done something wrong in order to lose mother's love that way. Casting about to see what he could have done to offend mother he examined his feelings to see if a clue lie there. Feelings that are examined wilt so the First Born loses touch with feelings. Ask the First Born a question related to feelings and the most common answer is "I don't know." Processing information is difficult for the First Born with the inability to access feelings. The First Born has to "borrow" feelings from someone else. In other words, the First Born knows what to think about a situation once he knows how someone else feels about it. This makes the First Born highly suggestible. Extreme behavior by the First Born is based on someone else's expressed feelings. The Second Born suppresses feelings in favor of thinking. Perhaps the Second Born, being competitive, wants to be less emotional than the First Born. Or, it may be that the First Born disregards the Second Born's feelings, making the Second Born associate pain with feeling. So, feelings are to be suppressed. However, suppressed feelings get stronger rather than weaker. Many Second Borns struggle to keep a lid on their feelings. Sometimes feelings take over, thinking stops and no processing takes place. Processing information is difficult without the light that could be shed by feelings. Of course, many Second Borns are great parents. But those who cannot use feelings in processing information as a parent are apt to say to a child who is having trouble, "You made your bed, you lie in it," discouraging the child even more. In management this Second Born says to an employee, "If you don't like it here, there's the door." In personal relationships this Second Born is apt to respond to an expression of feeling with criticism. The Third Born sabotages processing by challenging his or her own feelings. So, instead of using feelings to guide thinking, this person takes a new, unexpected direction. In youth we see this as rebellion. The child may jeopardize his or her own well-being by refusing to use feelings to guide thinking. This creates the "fearless" type Third Born who has to deny the feelings of fear. This attitude came about as the older children, especially the Second, preyed on the Third Born's vulnerability at an early age. A TV documentary on serial rapist showed this extreme. This Third Born said that his raping was not an exercise of power driven by rage but rather that he loved women and wanted to please them. He knew he had hurt these women but did not know why he had done it. As the story unfolded, it began in his teen years by peeping at women in the neighborhood. He had feelings against molesting them that he had to challenge. In effect, he raped them because he had feelings that it was wrong to rape them. While we may not go to the extreme in our information processing, we can improve. Here are some affirmations you can use for your Birth Order.
Fourth Born - Never get so interested in thinking that you forget to feel. Take the one that applies to you, say it to yourself several times over the next few days and you'll discover an improvement in how you process information in any situation. You may discover you are smarter than you thought you were! Counseling Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone. If you are interested send an email to cliff@birthorderplus.com or call 1-800-214-0795.
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD Web site: www.birthorderplus.com To sign up for the Birth Order Newsletter go to http://www.birthorderplus.com/newsletter/menu.htm. Check out the archive of past newsletters. The following books by Cliff are available by email or 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95 Credit Card payments are accepted.
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