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MARCH 2008 -------
Welcome to the Birth Order newsletter for March 2008! Lately, the news has been about politicians bringing grief to themselves through sexual misconduct. What is it about sex that gets people into trouble? Pursuing sexual pleasure destroys careers, relationships and reputations. Why would someone jeopardize all that is important for the momentary pleasure of sex? Attitudes toward sex are programmed into us in our childhood. Girls are programmed into not enjoying sex for fear of the consequences of girls having sex. While this programming is done by those who want to protect girls, boys are programmed by their peers. The conversation of boys going through puberty often centers on sex, either bragging or lying about sexual exploits or imagining what they want to do sexually. A lot of it is fantasy but it conveys the clear message that boys are supposed to enjoy sex. The difference between the programming for girls and boys is the difference between the words “slut” and “stud”. Fortunately, this programming is balanced out in most people with values that boys and girls learn from parents, mentors, religious teaching, peers, and their own insights. One does not have to give in to the unhealthy programming from childhood. Women who live out their programming cannot enjoy sex. Yet, they learn from society that they must enjoy sex, and they certainly hear it from the guys who want sex. Women who live out their programming either get turned off to sex or perform sexually as a service to the man rather than for their own enjoyment. Some may even convince themselves they do enjoy sex while they try to make themselves enjoy it. Guys who live out their programming think they must enjoy sex. Sex is an end in itself. The woman with whom they have sex is irrelevant. They can have sex with multiple partners, strangers, casual acquaintances and prostitutes because they are not relating to the woman with whom they are seeking the pleasure of sex. For these men, sex exists apart from relationship. This can happen within marriage as well which women recognize when they complain, “He’s only interested in one thing.” Men may deny the accusation but the way they do sex without relating confirms what the wife says. To achieve balance, values need to change. A woman needs to decide it is okay to enjoy sex so she can enjoy both her partner and the sexual experience. This allows her to make sex part of the relationship. A man needs to decide it is okay to enjoy the woman with whom he is having sex so that sex becomes a way of relating rather than of exploiting her. Once these values are embraced men and women can find themselves enjoying each other in many ways including sexually. Birth Order can be helpful as the couple explore each others’ personalities as well as enjoying sex. Birth Order gives clues to personality that lead to learning from each other. Birth Order lets the couple ask the right questions, recognize what is important, and interpret each other correctly. As they come to understand each other he’ll enjoy her while having sex and she’ll enjoy him while having sex. When they enjoy each other having sex becomes making love. Enjoying sexual relationships is the alternative to addiction. Sexual addiction is like any other addiction in that it is accompanied with feelings that sexual contact is necessary for feeling good. Sexual addiction can be so compulsive that the addict throws caution to the winds in the pursuit of sex. Meanwhile, the addict loses the possibility of real joy of sex within a relationship.
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD BLOG Remember to check out the blog at http://birthorder.blogster.com for lots of information on Birth Order. COUNSELING
Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone. Call
1-800-214-0795 to make an appointment. For more information write
clifford@birthorderplus.com.
There are advantages to counseling by phone. You are in your own home, you can
concentrate without visual distractions and you feel more comfortable than in a
counseling office. Telephone counseling has proven effective in dealing with
anger issues.
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The following books by Cliff are available by email at clifford@birthorderplus.com or by calling 1-800-214-0795: You can pay by credit card. Add $3.00 for shipping and handling.
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95
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