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JANUARY 2006 -------
Birth Order is to personality what bones are to the body. Dear Birth Order subscriber, Welcome to the January 2006 Birth Order newsletter! We are now ready for the final level of relating - closeness. Relating starts with non-verbal expression such as a smile, moves to the greeting that conveys a positive feeling toward the other person, then develops into conversation where each show an interest in each other. This is the casual level of relating. Relating becomes deeper with the fourth level of cooperation in which two people agree on what they are going to do. The fifth level involves play where people enjoy each other. The sixth and final level is closeness where you can be yourself with the other person. Each Birth Order has its own problems with closeness. The Only Child has problems with intrusion so may avoid closeness to prevent intrusion. The First Born in a world without love doubts that the other person wants to be close. The Second Born in the competitive mode tends to look for reasons to not be close. The Third Born out of a feeling of vulnerability may feel that is a threat. The Fourth Born expecting rejection avoids closeness to minimize the risk of being rejected. Closeness is the state of being your self with the other person. Whenever you put on an act you stop being yourself. The Only Child tends to put on an act by trying to feel the same way as the other person. The First Born puts on an act to impress others. The Second Born puts on an act of authority to hide feeling inadequate. The Third Born acts strong. The Fourth Born tries to act mature. Everyone expect others to accept their acting to be what they are. When their performance is challenged they tend to get angry. You can be yourself in a multitude of ways depending on the situation. In effect, you have many different personalities. Being your self in the work place is different from being your self at home. Being your self with one person is different from being your self with another person. Being your self by yourself is different from being your self with others. In every situation being your self is different from any other situation. The way to be your self is to tune in to the situation. Paying attention to others turns on the right part of your personality in that situation. If the other person is playful it turns on the part of you that is playful. If the other person is fearful it may turn on the part of you that is reassuring. If the other person is sad it may turn on the part of you that is comforting. If the other person wants to work it may turn on the part of you that wants to work. Therapy can be done to you be your self. The problem in being self goes back to childhood when we were told, "don't be like that." We learned that putting on the right kind of act gained the benefit of parental approval. By the time we were told to be our selves that became an act also. The therapy is, "Forget the memories that make you be your self." Since there are memories of you being your self the therapy includes, "Remember the memories that let you be your self." The first five steps of relating lead to the point of being close with others. In other words, smiling, greeting, conversation, cooperation and humor lead to your being able to be close to others. You can review these in the last five newsletters in the archives. Comforting By Birth Order One reader raised the question of how Birth Order can help in comforting others in a time of grief. If you have comforted someone who has experienced a devastating loss you know how difficult giving comfort can be. Sometimes we feel all we can do is give a hug. The grieving person needs more than anything for someone to understand what he or she is going through. Sensing this, many people assure the grieving person, "I understand how you feel." Rather than comfort this has the opposite effect because the person does not believe it. He or she thinks think there is no way for anyone to understand how they feel. And, saying you understand suggests that you are not open to listening because you already understand. The best way to prepare for comforting others is to understand Birth Order. Out of your understanding you can make statements that truly comfort the other person. The person feels comforted when he or she senses you understand. You can produce this comfort if you understand the dynamics of grief according to Birth Order. It'll help you know what to say. An Only experiences grief as chaos. Saying something like "This really devastates your world, doesn't it?" can be comforting. A First Born experiences grief as a failure of love. Saying something like, "You really cared about him, didn't you?" can comfort the First Born. A Second Born experiences grief as pain. Saying, "This really hurts, doesn't it?" can relieve grief. A Third Born experiences grief as weakness as in "there was nothing I could do." Comfort can be given as "It's really hard to be strong right now, isn't it?" A Fourth Born experiences grief as helplessness. You can comfort by saying "This really makes you feel helpless, doesn't it?" Some people don't need comforting even though they have experienced a loss. These are the people who have had a good relationship with each other before death occurred. For them a wake or a funeral can actually be a celebration of life. BLOG Remember to check out the blog at http://birthorder.blogster.com for lots of information on Birth Order. COUNSELING Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone. Call 1-800-214-0795 to make an appointment. For more information write clifford@birthorderplus.com. There are advantages to counseling by phone. You are in your own home, you can concentrate without visual distractions and you feel more comfortable than in a counseling office. Telephone counseling has proven to be effective. Sincerely,
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD You are free to forward this newsletter to interested people.
Web site: www.birthorderplus.com The following books by Cliff are available by calling 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95 Credit Card payments are accepted.
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