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February 2009 -------
Welcome to the Birth Order newsletter February 2009! Birth Order Made Simple Understanding Birth Order is challenging but can be made simple if we understand it in the light of rejection. Birth Order personality is developed when a child needs love and is unable to get it. Too young to realize he or she is not responsible for being rejected, the child looks for the cause to be within. In trying to solve this imagined internal fault that Birth Order personalities are developed. One would think that only children would not experience rejection because there is no competition for parental love. However, the Only experiences rejection in a way that may not be recognized by adults. Here’s how it works: while the child is playing an adult suggests an alternative way of playing with a certain toy. Unless the adult asks for permission to show the child a new way to play, the child experiences the suggestion as a rejection of how he was playing with the toy, ergo a rejection of him or herself. To avoid rejection, the Only begins to do things the way others want them done, often complaining, “I never get to do what I want to do.” The Only Child reacts to suggestions for change with anger, perceiving them to be rejection while at other times, subconsciously seeking to get love by doing things “right.” The oldest child becomes a First Born by feeling rejected by mother who is caring for the baby rather than giving attention to him or her. Feeling helpless to get love, the First Born solves this problem by giving up on love, trading it for respect, admiration and approval instead. This First Born as a child shows off rather than relating, and is awkward with others as an adult not knowing how to relate without trying to impress others. When feeling the need for love, the First Born subconsciously is driven to seek it by finding ways to agree, frequently nodding in agreement while listening to others. Rejection for the Second Born is the First Born drawing mother’s attention away so he or she experiences the loss of mother’s love. The First Born shows off to impress mother, relegating the Second Born to the sidelines feeling inadequate. To protect him or herself from the pain, the Second Born gives up on feelings in favor of rules, self-discipline and logic. However, the Second Born subconsciously continues to seek love by trying to do something perfectly. The Third Born experiences rejection as the Second Born imposes rules on the Third Born disregarding what the Third Born feels, wants or says. The Third Born feels unloved. He or she survives emotionally by breaking the rules, thinking outside the box and rebelling. For the Third Born, rules were made to be broken but when craving love, the Third Born tries to get it by pleasing others. Just don’t tell Third Borns what to do because they don’t like it! The Third Born rejects Fourth Born thinking like he rejected Second Born rules so the Fourth Born feels rejection. In other words, the Third Born thinks for the Fourth Born. The Fourth Born copes by ignoring others and hiding his own thinking from others. This results in a breakdown of communication that makes Fourth Borns the unknown personality. On the other hand, the Fourth Born subconsciously seeks love by telling others what they want to hear. Birth Order behavior is triggered when a person experiences rejection that triggers the imbedded memories of early rejection that created the Birth Order in the first place. Being aware of the Birth Order reaction to rejection is liberating. It allows a person to dissociate from the problems of Birth Order.
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD BLOG Remember to check out the blog at http://birthorder.blogster.com for lots of information on Birth Order. COUNSELING
Keep in mind that counseling is education that applies to your particular
situation. Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone by
calling 1-800-214-0795 to make an appointment. For more information write
clifford@birthorderplus.com.
Advantages to phone counseling include doing it from the comfort of home, being
in control and privacy. Counseling over the phone works because it eliminates
visual distractions.
INFORMATION
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The following books by Cliff are available by email at clifford@birthorderplus.com or by calling 1-800-214-0795: You can pay by credit card. Add $3.00 for shipping and handling.
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95
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