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DECEMBER 2008 -------
Welcome to the Birth Order newsletter for December 2008. Happy New Year! Communication Birth Order Style Verbal communication happens on two levels, information and meaning. It is helpful for communication to distinguish the two, especially as they are used by Birth Order. Before we look at the Birth Order connection, let’s look at communication itself. Communication of information comes by talking and listening. The talker tells some thing and the listener takes in the information. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But there can be obstacles to talking and listening. A common obstacle to talking comes from memories of being told to not interrupt when someone’s talking, memories that can now keep a person from telling something. Difficulty with listening comes from memories of having to endure lectures that made the child stop listening, memories that cause an adult to not hear what someone is saying. Communicating meaning requires more than talking and listening, it requires explaining and understanding. The person who explains conveys meaning and the other who understands grasps the meaning. Explaining is made difficult by memories of being made to explain in self-defense as a child, memories that make adults revert to defending themselves rather than explaining so others can understand. Understanding is blocked by memories of being angrily confronted with a stern, “Do you understand?” These memories make the adult jump to conclusions rather than listening to a complete explanation. Two affirmations can improve communication: “Never get so interested in talking that you forget to listen” and “Never get so interested in explaining that you forget to understand.” Through the subconscious these affirmations enable a person to talk, listen, explain and understand more clearly. Now, let’s go on to the Birth Order issues. When acting out of Birth Order, here’s how each communicates meaning in relation to facts: The Only Child communicates facts that hide meaning in a form I call meta-communication. Rather than say what he or she means, the Only makes a factual statement that suggests the hidden meaning that, because it is hidden, is subject to being misunderstood. For example, when the room is warm the Only might say “What’s the temperature in here?” rather than “I’m feeling uncomfortable with the heat.” The hearer is supposed to understand the meaning which is to turn down the thermostat without being told explicitly. The First Born is cautious about sharing meaning, wanting instead to know the meaning others put to facts. For instance, the First Born might say “I wonder why it so warm in here?” to get you to come up with a meaning for the temperature. The First Born tends not to draw meaning from factual information but waits for the other person to put the meaning in. This trait makes First Borns ready to believe what others say. The Second Born wants to talk facts, not meaning. Rather than explain things Second Borns will give factual details so that meaning should be self-evident. For example, in dealing with the room being warm the Second Born can talk about how much costs to overheat a room, how it is healthier to have a lower temperature, how a person can always put on a sweater if they’re uncomfortable with the temperature, and how a person can get used to a lower temperature. With enough details the Second Born believes the other person will understand that the thermostat should be turned down. However, the person may misunderstand the meaning so that he or she feels criticized for being so thoughtless as to have the room be too warm. The Third Born thinks about meaning while giving short shrift to facts. Thus, the Third Born is the most likely to jump to conclusions. If the temperature is too high in the room the Third Born may inquire about your health thinking that’s why you have the heat so high. Since the Third Born starts with meaning rather than facts you don’t know if it’s the temperature, your pale complexion or something else that makes the Third Born think you are not feeling well. The Third Born may come across as pushy as he or she comes up with interpretations as to why the temperature is so high. The Fourth Born is apt to put his or her own meaning into facts. So, when the room is too warm the Fourth Born may take that to mean that the host does not want the Fourth Born to stay long. In fact, the Fourth Born may get angry at the host for the high temperature and is certain that his or her interpretation is right. By putting their own meaning into facts Fourth Borns can seem out of touch with reality, interpreting things in such a way that others pull back from them. In summary, Onlies hide meaning, Firsts seek meaning, Seconds reject meaning, Thirds impose meaning and Fourths create meaning. Keeping these differences in mind can enhance your ability to communicate with people according to Birth Order. May the New Year be full of meaning for you!
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD BLOG Remember to check out the blog at http://birthorder.blogster.com for lots of information on Birth Order. COUNSELING
Keep in mind that counseling is education that applies to your particular
situation. Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone by
calling 1-800-214-0795 to make an appointment. For more information write
clifford@birthorderplus.com.
Advantages to phone counseling include doing it from the comfort of home, being
in control and privacy. Counseling over the phone works because it eliminates
visual distractions.
INFORMATION
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The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95
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