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DECEMBER 2004 -------
Welcome to the December 2004 edition of the Birth Order Newsletter. I hope this finds you ready to enjoy the holidays. Holiday Stress Gathering together for the holidays is stressful for many people. They are supposed to enjoy the season out of loyalty but within they feel pressured, intimidated, anxious and pessimistic. They endure the holidays rather than enjoy them. Their Birth Order determines how they endure them. For our discussion here I define stress as an emotional state caused by memories containing fear. When certain memories are triggered they activate fear subconsciously. These memories are triggered when a family gets together because its members encounter the very people who created those scary memories of childhood. Consciously, though, the actual memories are often suppressed along with the fears they contain. Instead of being acknowledged, the fears are expressed as strategies a person uses to feel safe instead of scared. However, the strategies don't work. The fear remains. Each Birth Order fears differently. Therefore, each Birth Order uses different strategies to achieve a feeling of safety. The Only Child fears being corrected because that is intrusive. So, the Only Child adult strives to do things right. In buying gifts for the children or grandchildren all things must be equal. There must be the same number of gifts for each and they must cost the same amount for each child. One mother went so far as to tape money on the outside of gifts costing less so that the value would be equal. Preparing for the holidays is often difficult because everything must be done correctly but one can never be sure that someone won't find something amiss. The fear of intrusion by correction remains. The First Born must be impressive or there is that loss of love. At the last gathering the First Born talked about plans for the coming year. These plans never work out as well as projected so that is an embarrassment to the First Born. There is the fear that someone will remember from last year, call attention to the disparity between plan and reality and question how that happened. The worse the year was the greater the stress for fear of being confronted about it. The First Born may rehearse for days and weeks about how he or she is going to explain to family members so respect, and therefore love, is not lost. Even if things went well someone might not think you did so well. The fear of embarrassment remains. Stress for the Second Born comes from fear of emotions. This person as a child felt pain when emotions were expressed so these memories dictate that feelings are to be avoided. A family gathering is a time of emotion. The Second Born feels the need to express emotion because it's expected in this setting. However, the Second Born certainly does not want to express emotion like the First Born who is bragging or the Third Born who is complaining. Constantly monitoring his or her emotions keeps the Second Born from freely experiencing them, expressing them or enjoying them. To be safe from pain that the Second Born fears he or she must be logical in a setting that requires emotion. That is stress. The Third Born's fear is the feeling of vulnerability. Normally, a Third Born avoids this fear by keeping attention on others rather than self. In the family holiday celebration this is not possible. Eventually the Third Born is handed a gift, watched intensely as the gift is opened and the reaction is scrutinized. How will the Third Born respond appropriately without giving the impression of being self-centered even for a moment? To be safe the Third Born must protest that you should not have given such a gift, ask you where you found such a gift or maybe even suggest that it should be given to someone else. The feeling of vulnerability still creates stress. The Fourth Born stress as child came from being left out. In the family gathering the Fourth Born hopes for inclusion but fears exclusion. This is the one time that the Fourth Born is certainly going to be included. However, no one understands Fourth Borns. The older siblings did not have to figure out the Fourth Born because they could deal with him or her by overpowering the Fourth Born. Now, at the family gathering, the other members of the family do not know how to relate to the Fourth Born. When attention turns to the Fourth Born the interaction becomes awkward so the Fourth Born feels left out even as he or she is the center of attention. The stress remains. Drinking is often a problem at holiday family gatherings as family members use alcohol to relieve the stress they feel. Third and Fourth Borns tend to be most likely to drink to excess. Third Borns drink to overcome feeling vulnerable and Fourth Borns to fit in Fear generated in the subconscious can be overcome by examining it. As you look at it you dissociate from it because you have to look at it from the outside. Understanding the Birth Order genesis of fear causing stress enables you to examine the fear more thoroughly. It is not helpful at all to blame someone else for the way you feel as an adult because that locks you into the victim mode. You can take responsibility for the way you feel. You might be able to make the holidays happier for someone. Feel free to forward this newsletter to family and friends. Happy Holidays to you,
Cliff Isaacson
Web site: www.birthorderplus.com The following books by Cliff are available by calling 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95 Credit Card payments are accepted.
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