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AUGUST 2005 -------
The right Birth Order describes your personality. Dear Birth Order subscriber, Let's talk about relationships. Relationships are created in the course of many encounters. These encounters have six levels of interaction to them. By improving the encounters that we have with others we improve the overall relationships we have. In this and the next five newsletters I will explain each of the six levels, the effect of Birth Order on them and provide you with a therapeutic intervention for each. The six levels of interaction are non-verbal contact, greeting, interaction, cooperation, play and closeness, in that order. Birth Order effects can interfere with each level to diminish the encounter. The first connection that any two people make with each other is non-verbal. This is true whether the person is someone you know well, an acquaintance or a complete stranger. When the non-verbal communication is a smile the encounter is off to a good start. It is natural to smile whenever you see someone you care about, someone who is a friend or someone you'd like to know better. It is also natural to smile at people with whom you do business, associate with or whom you serve. Obstacles to smiling come from both early memories and from Birth Order. The early memory from childhood is of being told to smile (usually by an Only Child adult) when you did not feel like smiling because the Only was uncomfortable with your facial expression. That created compulsive/obsessive memories of "I have to smile" and "I can't smile." Consequently, when a smile is called for you may not be able to smile or your smile may be artificial. In counseling I tell such a client to "Forget the memories that make you smile" to relieve the inner conflict. Then I tell the client to "Remember the memories that let you smile" to create a natural smile. A genuine smile originates from the subconscious. Only Child adults may substitute laughing for smiling because laughing feels safer. Because a smile connects with another person that may feel intrusive to the Only Child. Laughter covers up the discomfort while at the same time creating a jovial atmosphere. However the laughter does not enable connection with the other person so the encounter tends to be a non-encounter from the start. For successful encounters the Only needs to overcome the subconscious fear of intrusion. The First Born tends to smile a lot away from home or when there are visitors in the home rather than at home. Actually, all Birth Orders tend to smile less at home than away from home. The First Born smile is subconsciously meant to satisfy others to keep from losing others' esteem. As such, the smile may be inappropriate because it does not represent a feeling of pleasure. The smile of initial contact may be especially difficult for the First Born because the effect of it is uncertain - there is no way to predict for sure how the other will respond so the First Born is cautious in smiling. The Second Born tends to suppress feeling that includes smiling which is an expression of feeling. So, the Second Born tends to never smile or to smile incessantly, depending on the situation. For example, one Second Born woman clerking in a store never smiled there although she did smile in informal settings with friends. A Second Born minister smiled constantly at church, apparently because that is what his work called for. To smile genuinely a Second Born needs to allow smiling is an expression of feeling. A Third Born who must be strong does not smile because smiling is an expression of feeling. When you are strong you don't express feeling. This person smiles because the other person needs a smile. The Third Born smiles at children, older people, handicapped, poor people, and victims of all kinds because they need it. In being strong the Third Born must disallow feelings that would indicate vulnerability so feelings are hidden. To smile the smile that initiates encounters the Third Born gives up trying to be strong in favor of being human. The Fourth Born smile is often an act. However, if the Fourth Born is a superb actor, and many are, the smile may pass for real expression of feeling. Of all the Birth Orders, the Fourth Born has the most compulsion to put on an act rather than be him or herself. In order to smile with feeling it needs to be okay for Fourth Borns to be themselves. When acting the Fourth Born can make you feel like you're the greatest as he/she smiles at you. PREDICTING ABUSE Most people who marry someone who is abusive have no indication before hand. I have counseled many a woman who spent her wedding night in tears because the man she got was nothing like the man she thought she was marrying. They plaintively ask themselves and others why they could not tell ahead of time. They often stay in the marriage with the hope that the man they knew before marriage will return to make a happy marriage. Men also marry abusive women almost as frequently as women marry abusive men. The dynamic is the same - they are blindsided because they never expected the abuse. They live with the hope that the person they knew before is gone temporarily. Is there an indicator that a person is likely to be abusive? Yes, there is but it is the opposite of what you might think the indicator is. You might think that there would be red flags of abusive behavior ahead of time. Sometimes there are, like one woman I saw who married an abusive man even though he broke her arm a year before they married - she said he was sorry and promised never to do that again! Most of the time the man who is going to be abusive is one of the nicest people you could meet. The person who is going to be abusive puts you on a pedestal before marriage. He (or she) tells you how wonderful you are, how he enjoys everything about you, how great your marriage will be, how he likes your personality, and how you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. He is so happy to have you in his life, to be able to contemplate coming home to you after a hard day's work, and to enjoy cuddling up with you. You feel like a princess on the throne. Here is a man who adores you without question. Why would you think he could be abusive? As this man is telling you how wonderful you are he is telling you what he expects after you are married. You are the person who is going to make him happy, and you better make him happy or else. When it turns out that you are human after all instead of a princess he is furious. He told you how wonderful you, and you took it all in. You did not tell him you were human instead of wonderful so now his rage is "justified" toward you because you deceived him. You are not doing what you are supposed to do, make him feel great. Of course you cannot because you are human, not a magician. Of all the Birth Orders, the most likely to be abusive is the Fourth Born. The Fourth grew up in powerlessness at the mercy of older siblings. Feeling helpless, this person resolved to have someone in his life to make him happy. When he found you, told you how wonderful you are and you did not disagree, he got very excited. He had found the person who would magically make him happy, even ecstatic. When you did not do that immediately after the wedding, he was devastated. Extremely disappointed, he decided you lied to him and that he has every right to be angry at you. A person of another Birth Order could be abusive also. The clue is the same. You are made to be a princess on a pedestal from which you will grant his wish to be happy. The healthy relationship starts with both accepting each other as human beings with no unrealistic expectations. If he or she insists you are more than human that's your red flag of warning. The pleasure the abuser feels before marriage is actually in anticipation of what is to come. The future abuser reasons that whatever pleasure comes from relating now will be even greater after marriage. His expectations soar with every moment of pleasure he has with you during courtship. Imagine the letdown when the anticipated magic does not occur after the wedding. No wonder he is so angry! COUNSELING Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone. If you are interested send an email to clifford@birthorderplus.com or call 1-800-214-0795. There are advantages to counseling by phone. You can be yourself in your own home, you can concentrate without visual distractions and you can feel more comfortable than in a counseling office. Telephone counseling has proven to be effective. Sincerely,
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD You are free to forward this newsletter to interested people. Web site: www.birthorderplus.com To sign up for the Birth Order Newsletter go to http://www.birthorderplus.com/newsletter/menu.htm. Check out the archive of past newsletters. The following books by Cliff are available by email or 1-800-214-0795:
The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95 Credit Card payments are accepted.
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