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APRIL 2008 -------
Welcome to the Birth Order newsletter for April 2008! According to Abraham Maslow, safety is the second most important issue in life with only survival being more important. Dealing with safety issues causes many problems people experience because people draw from childhood memories to define what is dangerous and the strategies to deal with that perceived danger. During childhood the greatest threat appears to be other people and the strategies include hiding, placating and getting angry with the other person. In contrast, adulthood threats are in the areas of health, finances, property, careers, welfare of family and friends and education. Except in special situations other people do not constitute the threat they did during childhood. These are the childhood strategies for being safe that can be carried into adulthood: 1 Hiding – Children especially use hiding to feel safe if faced with anger from other family members. The hiding is often physical but it can also be mental or emotional withdrawal. Shyness is an expression of hiding in order to be safe. Public speaking can be terrifying to someone whose childhood safety strategy was to hide. 2 Pleasing others – Children can resort to pleasing others if they are faced with criticism frequently within the family. On those occasions when pleasing others worked it was reinforced as a strategy for feeling safe. 3 Anger – Children can use anger to achieve safety. However, it takes a full commitment to anger for it to work for the small child, and it does work. A full grown adult feels defeated when a two-year-old goes into a rage – you’ve seen it in the grocery store! Each of the Birth Orders develops its own way to be safe. The Only’s childhood strategies to be safe focus on withdrawing into one’s own world, with some of pleasing others and usually very little of trying to intimidate others. This may cause the adult Only to focus on things trivial rather than on what is essential to be safe. For example, one woman cleaned house instead of getting a college assignment done. In her subconscious she was taking care of someone who might be offended at her unclean house while ignoring the real threat posed by not getting her assignment done. Because the First Born dealt with adults during childhood his or her safety strategy was to satisfy these adults rather than using withdrawal or anger which were ineffective. In adult life the First Born tends to tune in to others’ attitudes to know how to satisfy them to avoid the risk of offending them. In the process the First Born may neglect important issues in his or her own life while taking care so others are not a danger. For example, the First Born student may go out with friends to satisfy them rather than stay home to do an assignment. The First Born may buy a car beyond his means to impress a co-worker without considering the restraints of his own budget. The Second Born childhood strategy for being safe involves withdrawal as they focus on details more than trying to please others or relying on anger to feel safe. By pursuing this strategy in adult life they may relate poorly to others which can prove detrimental if they are put in charge of others. This is significant because focusing on details enables Second Borns to do impressive work that in turn earns them promotions that often involve supervising others. In those situations childhood memories can make Second Borns feel vulnerable so that they use anger to feel safe especially since they cannot feel safe by escaping into detail work. The Third Born childhood strategy may be to ignore safety altogether to become risk takers. As a child the Third Born cannot escape the teasing of the Second Born so learns to ignore it or, in other words, regard it as a non-threat. With this attitude they do not need to use the strategies of hiding or getting angry to feel safe. However, the memories of being vulnerable as children often make them turn to pleasing others to make their world safer. In adult life Third Born risk-taking may ignore real risks that may result in many kinds of unpleasant outcomes. They may, in fact, pay too high a price for pleasing others rather than paying attention to critical issues in their lives. On the other hand, their risk-taking wisely done can lead to great success in life. The Fourth Born childhood strategy to be safe involves either anger or hiding, often both. Pleasing others does not seem like an option if the Fourth Born is ignored by members of the family, as is often the case. In adult life the Fourth Born’s reliance on anger for safety may be expressed as domestic abuse, angry confrontations and even crime. Other Fourth Born adults may seek safety in hiding, maintaining a low profile, and not expressing opinions. These Fourth Borns may hide money from the spouse, lie skillfully to cover up or put on an act instead of being themselves. Using anger and hiding as safety strategies handicaps the Fourth Born in relating to others. However, Fourth Borns have the potential of relating well because their understanding of others grew out of being the underdog in the family - if he or she can deal with adult issues rather that fearing others. To move on to loving relationships, self-esteem and self-actualization in Maslow’s pyramid, it is necessary to resolve the issue of safety. It is important for the adult to recognize that the attitudes of other people do not constitute a real threat so that energy can be used for resolving the real issues of adult life. For more on this topic check out Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs on the encyclopedia Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heirarchy_of_needs.
Cliff Isaacson, BA, BD BLOG Remember to check out the blog at http://birthorder.blogster.com for lots of information on Birth Order. COUNSELING
Birth Order based counseling/consulting is available by telephone. Call
1-800-214-0795 to make an appointment. For more information write
clifford@birthorderplus.com.
There are advantages to counseling by phone. You are in your own home, you can
concentrate without visual distractions and you feel more comfortable than in a
counseling office. Telephone counseling has proven effective in dealing with
anger issues.
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The Birth Order Challenge Hardback $19.95
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